my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
