Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it'
Favorite