Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Be still, my beating vagina.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
two words...techno handjob
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Favorite
Favorite