As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Loading more great texts...