Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
only you would photoshop your dick
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
wanna go halves on a baby?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
false alarm. still invincible.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If i come over, it means nothing
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I met the friendliest cop last night
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Favorite