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she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it glows. i had to have it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
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