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Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just had sex bonerless
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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