You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Even my vagina gasped.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.