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i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's never too late to be topless.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just invented taco cereal.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
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