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this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Yo dont text me then not text me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
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