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We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
are you still at the devil's house?
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No subtext here. People are naked.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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