I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The struggles of a small town man whore
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
