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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she told me i tasted like america
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i dont even know how to be here
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i barfeds in our rink
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Moan for me like Helen Keller
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
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