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He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
a search helicopter?!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she peed on how many people?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
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