We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We left an ass print on the piano.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she peed on how many people?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you didnt know i had herpes?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
sarcasm needs its own font
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?