Texts From Last Night · skd5196's Favorites

skd5196's Favorites Texts:

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(760): View more from California

They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure

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(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

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(248): View more from Michigan

you lied. pity sex is amazing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(613): View more from Ontario

just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee

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(702): View more from Nevada

I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Is this the I'm gay speech?

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(512): View more from Texas

He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.

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(268): View more from Antigua/Barbuda-Carib

she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(702): View more from Nevada

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.

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(646): View more from New York

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.

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(347): View more from New York

Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(225): View more from Louisiana

What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She announced her abortion via fbk

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!

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(281): View more from Texas

If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(727): View more from Florida

My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.

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(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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(310): View more from California

she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(813): View more from Florida

Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(647): View more from Ontario

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics

(416): View more from Toronto

But that's half the fun of it

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(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....

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(815): View more from Illinois

...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

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(206): View more from Washington

My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music

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(830): View more from Texas

Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(706): View more from Georgia

Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?

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(707): View more from California

I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

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(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?

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(219): View more from Indiana

I thought Christmas was going to come before I did

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(631): View more from New York

we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(917): View more from New York City

But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.

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(512): View more from Texas

At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(530): View more from California

Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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(406): View more from Montana

someone owes me an orgasm

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(+44): View more from England

His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...

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(415): View more from California

I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(207): View more from Maine

He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(512): View more from Texas

She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(518): View more from New York

when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'

(1-518): View more from New York

i pity the fetus.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(847): View more from Illinois

In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her

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(314): View more from Missouri

who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(440): View more from Ohio

planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.

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(913): View more from Kansas

No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you

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(859): View more from Kentucky

What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(630): View more from Illinois

I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich

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(937): View more from Ohio

she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

you smoke with your eyes?

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(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.

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(954): View more from Florida

Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life

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(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?

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(813): View more from Florida

i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.

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(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(760): View more from California

i don't like sucking hair

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(806): View more from Texas

my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.

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(253): View more from Washington

she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.

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(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

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(817): View more from Texas

Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(310): View more from California

if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.

(404): View more from Georgia

Who isn't?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times

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(313): View more from Michigan

We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...

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(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

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(630): View more from Illinois

That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.

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(360): View more from Washington

Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(616): View more from Michigan

I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(813): View more from Florida

just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i always forget guys have bellybuttons

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?

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(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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(573): View more from Missouri

I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming

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(425): View more from Washington

i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(209): View more from California

His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.

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(972): View more from Texas

He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.

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(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.

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(209): View more from California

just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(925): View more from California

Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

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(386): View more from Florida

you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(806): View more from Texas

Two words Indian burn...

(1-806): View more from Texas

What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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(519): View more from Ontario

she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"

(1-410): View more from Maryland

How come I never meet celebrities?

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(940): View more from Texas

He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(410): View more from Maryland

She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.

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(212): View more from New York

My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.

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(971): View more from Oregon

We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...

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(607): View more from New York

I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?

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(404): View more from Georgia

It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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(573): View more from Missouri

she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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(614): View more from Ohio

youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?

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(847): View more from Illinois

can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"

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(856): View more from New Jersey

unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating

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(404): View more from Georgia

Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.

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(718): View more from New York

Barsexuality is the new black.

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(302): View more from Delaware

because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(631): View more from New York

Can you return condoms to CVS?

(516): View more from New York

Only if you return your pride as well.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(925): View more from California

remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight

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(760): View more from California

It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(317): View more from Indiana

One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(319): View more from Iowa

the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i already hear my dad disowning me

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(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted some perfectly good semen on her

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(812): View more from Indiana

she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(423): View more from Tennessee

gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

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(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

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(845): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Nice meating you last night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Not a typo

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.

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(619): View more from California

Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!

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(712): View more from Iowa

I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.

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(801): View more from Utah

My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Since when is my name a synonym for head?

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.

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(949): View more from California

Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(678): View more from Georgia

The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro

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(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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(317): View more from Indiana

How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(407): View more from Florida

so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

after a month anything with tits is on the radar

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(858): View more from California

i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth

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(818): View more from California

Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???

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(734): View more from Michigan

; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(712): View more from Iowa

We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(720): View more from Colorado

Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(219): View more from Indiana

community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(561): View more from Florida

i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed

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(480): View more from Arizona

how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.

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(469): View more from Texas

I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(480): View more from Arizona

this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(913): View more from Kansas

You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.

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(310): View more from California

how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.

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(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

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(831): View more from California

She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.

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(954): View more from Florida

He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(406): View more from Montana

she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(386): View more from Florida

totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.

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(254): View more from Texas

you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I believe so, yes.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?

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(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?

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(+44): View more from England

So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(207): View more from Maine

he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(254): View more from Texas

He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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(702): View more from Nevada

i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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(518): View more from New York

you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on

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(213): View more from California

the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.

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(646): View more from New York

Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.

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(256): View more from Alabama

A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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(248): View more from Michigan

she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me they were just razor bumps!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation

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(404): View more from Georgia

Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.

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(619): View more from California

Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

(323): View more from California

How mad was your dog?

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(614): View more from Ohio

You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am in a vortex of obligation.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it because I queefed?

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Talk to you next week

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(409): View more from Texas

It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(917): View more from New York City

So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(540): View more from Virginia

3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

(540): View more from Virginia

and skipped dinner

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(559): View more from California

You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.

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(347): View more from New York

you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer

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(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(718): View more from New York

he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

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(818): View more from California

she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

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(419): View more from Ohio

I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(727): View more from Florida

You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(801): View more from Utah

I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.

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(214): View more from Texas

a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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