I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
