Texts From Last Night

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  (714): View more from California

  Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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  (714): Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner. http://tfl.nu/auiz
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

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  (717): i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does. http://tfl.nu/p0z8
  Replies (14) Good night (1467) Bad night (3146) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.

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  (256): You asked him for a membership to him and his dick. http://tfl.nu/mfxs
  Replies (5) Good night (895) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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  (613): She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!" http://tfl.nu/0i27
  Replies (6) Good night (1411) Bad night (134) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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  (724): You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails. http://tfl.nu/klfg
  Replies (14) Good night (842) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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  (337): Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell? (913): I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space. http://tfl.nu/aqjc
  Replies (14) Good night (1485) Bad night (210)
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  (518): View more from New York

  Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge

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  (518): Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge http://tfl.nu/f69s
  Replies (5) Good night (1023) Bad night (150) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.

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  (586): He played pinball with my ovaries. He won. http://tfl.nu/otpy
  Replies (7) Good night (1080) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina

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  (603): I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina http://tfl.nu/bksp
  Replies (6) Good night (1759) Bad night (130) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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  (813): I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type. (1-813): Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type. http://tfl.nu/055q
  Replies (90) Good night (7627) Bad night (1380) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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  (661): Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head. http://tfl.nu/dct5
  Replies (11) Good night (2534) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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  (210): If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever. http://tfl.nu/5js7
  Replies (8) Good night (3757) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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  (303): friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension http://tfl.nu/bl0j
  Replies (46) Good night (1469) Bad night (4907) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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  (561): So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell? http://tfl.nu/0nz8
  Replies (44) Good night (7175) Bad night (847)
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

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  (226): This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible. http://tfl.nu/a5mz
  Replies (6) Good night (2294) Bad night (199) Order T-Shirt
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  (565): View more from

  He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

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  (565): He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever! http://tfl.nu/cg62
  Replies (15) Good night (2143) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.

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  (+61): The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there. http://tfl.nu/zi0e
  Replies (11) Good night (1606) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"

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  (816): She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore" http://tfl.nu/r6vm
  Replies (71) Good night (8062) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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  (250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom? http://tfl.nu/cirg
  Replies (72) Good night (16829) Bad night (2261) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.

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  (419): Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in. http://tfl.nu/ss55
  Replies (14) Good night (1212) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body

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  (440): I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body http://tfl.nu/gs9m
  Replies (6) Good night (1099) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.

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  (901): He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy. http://tfl.nu/2710
  Replies (6) Good night (1334) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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  (608): I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week. http://tfl.nu/5pj6
  Replies (9) Good night (1401) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Like handprints on my lower back...

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  (615): Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines. (615): Like handprints on my lower back... http://tfl.nu/9y3r
  Replies (3) Good night (1572) Bad night (210)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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  (817): You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman. http://tfl.nu/6t1t
  Replies (10) Good night (2486) Bad night (162) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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  (650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day) http://tfl.nu/fh88
  Replies (40) Good night (1418) Bad night (3696) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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  (773): Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight. http://tfl.nu/f50l
  Replies (5) Good night (3972) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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  (212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx
  Replies (26) Good night (3610) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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  (818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you http://tfl.nu/x2i9
  Replies (30) Good night (5538) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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  (503): Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality. http://tfl.nu/vr2w
  Replies (13) Good night (3985) Bad night (913) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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  (201): You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME. http://tfl.nu/tcyr
  Replies (15) Good night (4226) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Where the royal fuck are you??

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  The depths of vodka hell.

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  (425): Where the royal fuck are you?? (1-425): The depths of vodka hell. http://tfl.nu/wloy
  Replies (13) Good night (1702) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
  Replies (35) Good night (9773) Bad night (907)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.

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  (401): i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care. http://tfl.nu/npdd
  Replies (10) Good night (2686) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

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  (317): The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often. http://tfl.nu/fdr3
  Replies (4) Good night (1662) Bad night (195) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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  (604): So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk. http://tfl.nu/87wr
  Replies (14) Good night (2530) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

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  (845): You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this. http://tfl.nu/x8z4
  Replies (15) Good night (2650) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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  (601): You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion. http://tfl.nu/8mpu
  Replies (10) Good night (1837) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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  (281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt
  Replies (42) Good night (6055) Bad night (703)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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  (636): It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks. (314): Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this. http://tfl.nu/u3mg
  Replies (30) Good night (4323) Bad night (378)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

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  (417): I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW. http://tfl.nu/qeni
  Replies (22) Good night (3328) Bad night (556)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.

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  (703): Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon. http://tfl.nu/bjrm
  Replies (12) Good night (4809) Bad night (810) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up

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  (805): She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up http://tfl.nu/rsnf
  Replies (36) Good night (673) Bad night (3371) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  how did you know?

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  (330): hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something? (614): is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'? (330): how did you know? http://tfl.nu/tzki
  Replies (4) Good night (2031) Bad night (253)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I hear you

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  (613): I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting. (250): I hear you http://tfl.nu/kr1l
  Replies (7) Good night (1799) Bad night (233)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".

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  (+44): Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis". http://tfl.nu/tct7
  Replies (7) Good night (1319) Bad night (237)
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  (310): View more from California

  we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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  (310): we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck http://tfl.nu/7dck
  Replies (10) Good night (2079) Bad night (304) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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  (231): Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger. http://tfl.nu/yx75
  Replies (13) Good night (2051) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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  (203): He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way http://tfl.nu/eve3
  Replies (9) Good night (2071) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her

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  (206): Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her http://tfl.nu/6f57
  Replies (4) Good night (1977) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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  (630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends. (1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs... http://tfl.nu/id4n
  Replies (51) Good night (9967) Bad night (1174)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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  (813): that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE. http://tfl.nu/ha03
  Replies (21) Good night (3967) Bad night (566)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.

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  (425): I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking. http://tfl.nu/k8z0
  Replies (4) Good night (1739) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.

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  (631): I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis. http://tfl.nu/wmkv
  Replies (5) Good night (1485) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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  (613): I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party. http://tfl.nu/ibqy
  Replies (11) Good night (2639) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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  (862): I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated. http://tfl.nu/6ujy
  Replies (21) Good night (3002) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  am i morally bankrupt?

  (970): View more from Colorado

  no. its just the recession

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  (303): am i morally bankrupt? (970): no. its just the recession http://tfl.nu/r26w
  Replies (5) Good night (2404) Bad night (314)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.

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  (204): I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom. http://tfl.nu/0i9y
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Can i come over

  (240): View more from Maryland

  After you called me a desperate slut? No

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Come over

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  (703): Can i come over (240): After you called me a desperate slut? No (240): Come over http://tfl.nu/g0q3
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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  (403): Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now http://tfl.nu/l7gb
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

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  (804): Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care. http://tfl.nu/7tzw
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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  (941): Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night? http://tfl.nu/uq24
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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  (859): i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly http://tfl.nu/pft1
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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  (519): Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed. http://tfl.nu/q7k6
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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  (416): He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut. http://tfl.nu/vwy6
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  (210): View more from Texas

  drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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  (210): drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend (1-210): I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning. http://tfl.nu/558s
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.

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  (580): Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process. http://tfl.nu/pl4v
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.

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  (360): Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever. http://tfl.nu/hma8
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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  (403): You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something? http://tfl.nu/hj44
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

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  (316): This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc. http://tfl.nu/hh26
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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  (615): It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30 http://tfl.nu/ukox
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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  (248): They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends. http://tfl.nu/ovl3
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  tequila?

  (317): View more from Indiana

  yep

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  (317): Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus (1-317): tequila? (317): yep http://tfl.nu/cmfp
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
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  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
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  (713): View more from Texas

  His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.

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  (713): His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life. http://tfl.nu/34re
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I think mounting someone proves who's house this is

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  (602): I think mounting someone proves who's house this is http://tfl.nu/3n41
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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  (314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos. http://tfl.nu/t7k7
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me

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  (715): Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me http://tfl.nu/9534
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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  (570): My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide. http://tfl.nu/y8jz
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  (760): View more from California

  BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY

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  (760): BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY http://tfl.nu/9dad
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.

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  (615): Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift. http://tfl.nu/yqhq
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

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  (406): I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though http://tfl.nu/qgj2
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Im just a social blackout drinker.

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  (254): Im just a social blackout drinker. http://tfl.nu/yfwk
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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  (402): You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement. http://tfl.nu/xw5k
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  (530): View more from California

  Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

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  (530): Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity. http://tfl.nu/17zq
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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  (780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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  (208): I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind. http://tfl.nu/h3pw
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

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  (970): You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done. http://tfl.nu/za6g
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night

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  (561): Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night http://tfl.nu/h2y4
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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  (503): Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/cj8d
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

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  (541): Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds... http://tfl.nu/27nn
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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  (443): There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you. http://tfl.nu/nqul
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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  (616): A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus? http://tfl.nu/o777
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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  (504): she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud? http://tfl.nu/6q2n
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating

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  (603): He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating http://tfl.nu/fvws
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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  (228): you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out. http://tfl.nu/9xp5
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  (562): View more from California

  Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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  (562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty. http://tfl.nu/kgia
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.

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  (704): Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out. http://tfl.nu/zs8i
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

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  (843): I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier. http://tfl.nu/n87w
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.

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  (815): I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time. http://tfl.nu/qrqx
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  (415): View more from California

  Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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  (415): Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide? http://tfl.nu/adm7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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  (303): I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes http://tfl.nu/g6od
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  (585): View more from New York

  are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?

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  (585): are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet? http://tfl.nu/shbs
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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  (703): At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/dkbw
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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  (978): Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts http://tfl.nu/t2mu
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.

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  (317): Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good. http://tfl.nu/7ot5
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..

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  (302): you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor.. http://tfl.nu/0kdc
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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  (717): She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen." http://tfl.nu/c7q3
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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  (608): it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face" http://tfl.nu/ke0l
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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  (870): Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask? http://tfl.nu/y41y
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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  (260): Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens. http://tfl.nu/pxin
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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  (701): I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships. http://tfl.nu/filq
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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  (732): That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/7vfy
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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  (708): So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS? http://tfl.nu/0qn8
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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  (303): No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question http://tfl.nu/r4al
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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  (203): we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing http://tfl.nu/99kd
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  (646): View more from New York

  I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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  (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister. http://tfl.nu/fqyo
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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  (678): Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead, http://tfl.nu/tjky
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  (909): View more from California

  It's Friday. Sex?

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  (909): It's Friday. Sex? http://tfl.nu/22he
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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  (301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What should our trivia night team be named?

  (925): View more from California

  Define Statutory

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  (206): What should our trivia night team be named? (925): Define Statutory http://tfl.nu/hrvk
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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  (618): Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout. http://tfl.nu/q2nt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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  (513): I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid. http://tfl.nu/geoy
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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  (812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message. http://tfl.nu/nzcw
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

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  (765): I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/m09q
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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  (201): Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied. http://tfl.nu/g4t4
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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  (704): you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks http://tfl.nu/c3vj
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

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  (281): Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal http://tfl.nu/lnon
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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  (303): she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone http://tfl.nu/1ml1
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  (914): View more from New York

  im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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  (914): im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj http://tfl.nu/kgi8
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.

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  (423): I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger. http://tfl.nu/nz2t
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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  (443): Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire. http://tfl.nu/qksw
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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  (208): She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs". http://tfl.nu/ppqp
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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  (512): Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend? http://tfl.nu/hvyw
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent

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  (856): I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent http://tfl.nu/ara2
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head

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  (262): i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head http://tfl.nu/xp32
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.

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  (281): Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit. http://tfl.nu/j2fi
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.

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  (816): I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else. http://tfl.nu/ftgf
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

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  (+44): Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate. http://tfl.nu/oa41
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.

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  (336): I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices. http://tfl.nu/qbzj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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  (703): bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status.. http://tfl.nu/z1m2
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You drinking a lot?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  No.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Define a lot

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  (850): You drinking a lot? (1-850): No. (1-850): Define a lot http://tfl.nu/heqj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...

  (703): View more from Virginia

  oh

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  (248): So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine... (703): oh http://tfl.nu/2rig
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  (714): View more from California

  I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

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  (714): I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister http://tfl.nu/d8wy
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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  (317): you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party... http://tfl.nu/sqle
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.

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  (605): woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder. http://tfl.nu/fadr
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.

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  (816): Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/rxnt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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  (780): She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever. http://tfl.nu/i189
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.

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  (608): Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows. http://tfl.nu/05tf
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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  (757): I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want... http://tfl.nu/xmvr
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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  (304): Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life. http://tfl.nu/t3n8
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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  (704): I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying. http://tfl.nu/un4v
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  (516): View more from New York

  Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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  (516): Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system http://tfl.nu/i7jp
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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  (970): went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out http://tfl.nu/unz9
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

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  (317): She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while http://tfl.nu/u1c9
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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  (847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

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  (970): I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach. http://tfl.nu/dziv
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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  (720): so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass http://tfl.nu/kbrv
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.

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  (757): he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark. http://tfl.nu/hjt5
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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  (512): Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor. http://tfl.nu/9a3p
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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  (630): She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving. http://tfl.nu/1pg2
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  (415): View more from California

  I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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  (415): I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker." http://tfl.nu/s149
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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  (847): well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms." http://tfl.nu/dhb2
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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  (906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on http://tfl.nu/539i
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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  (540): hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends. http://tfl.nu/iv37
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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  (815): I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe. http://tfl.nu/z3x3
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  (714): View more from California

  I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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  (714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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  (720): I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match http://tfl.nu/pm5g
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

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  (703): She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper http://tfl.nu/dnfr
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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  (480): They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..." http://tfl.nu/hs05
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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  (860): there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes http://tfl.nu/0fsj
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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  (850): my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom? http://tfl.nu/5x0x
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

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  (205): Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you http://tfl.nu/nk9c
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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  (240): I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/grua
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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  (757): I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you? http://tfl.nu/hgrf
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

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  (802): I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends. http://tfl.nu/oh1c
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  (863): View more from Florida

  fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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  (863): fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes" http://tfl.nu/05z7
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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  (610): No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends. http://tfl.nu/ox60
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones

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  (985): I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones http://tfl.nu/jfi7
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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  (802): I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job. http://tfl.nu/xzx3
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  somebody snuck up and got me drunk

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  (215): somebody snuck up and got me drunk http://tfl.nu/xe32
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome

  (301): View more from Maryland

  we agree. completely

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  (301): we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing (1-301): that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome (301): we agree. completely http://tfl.nu/eynh
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  (212): View more from New York

  btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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  (212): btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up http://tfl.nu/jzw8
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  (516): View more from New York

  Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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  (516): Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice http://tfl.nu/slww
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

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  (253): I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then. http://tfl.nu/hci4
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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  (913): It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide. http://tfl.nu/jrdr
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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  (813): Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks? http://tfl.nu/4hfi
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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  (856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic? http://tfl.nu/h7hc
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
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  (631): View more from New York

  beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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  (631): beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner. http://tfl.nu/w2xi
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  (646): View more from New York

  He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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  (646): He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/8o9v
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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  (847): Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over. http://tfl.nu/gmxm
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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  (651): I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at http://tfl.nu/8c2c
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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  (205): Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia http://tfl.nu/0tpw
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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  (814): Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight? (1-814): I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me. http://tfl.nu/ovto
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  (714): View more from California

  Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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  (714): Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are. http://tfl.nu/u4g1
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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  (586): Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you http://tfl.nu/xexu
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  (214): View more from Texas

  in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

  (469): View more from Texas

  Pride?

  (214): View more from Texas

  thats a pack of cougars

  (469): View more from Texas

  go fuck yourself

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  (214): in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now (469): Pride? (214): thats a pack of cougars (469): go fuck yourself http://tfl.nu/22tj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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  (678): He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again. http://tfl.nu/ehlu
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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  (208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm
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  (415): View more from California

  I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

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  (415): I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity. http://tfl.nu/h9r5
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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  (503): I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here... http://tfl.nu/qb9a
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.

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  (224): bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh. http://tfl.nu/hyh0
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

  (1-218): View more from Minnesota

  Both?

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  (218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants? (1-218): Both? http://tfl.nu/yr9r
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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  (404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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  (202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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  (412): I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me. http://tfl.nu/826q
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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  (816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0
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  (845): View more from New York

  alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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  (845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d
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  (914): View more from New York

  Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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  (914): Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS http://tfl.nu/w0yg
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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  (816): I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool. http://tfl.nu/0qcg
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.

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  (520): i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off. http://tfl.nu/yt3u
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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  (972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that. http://tfl.nu/304s
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (925): View more from California

  2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

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  (925): 2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing. http://tfl.nu/jq9y
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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  (970): I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it. http://tfl.nu/8hng
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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  (443): Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella http://tfl.nu/27sq
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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  (+61): I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy. http://tfl.nu/xos0
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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  (203): Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin? (1-203): I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight. http://tfl.nu/pi9j
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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  (865): Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/7i54
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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  (201): i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line http://tfl.nu/rmxl
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  (425): View more from Washington

  the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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  (425): the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem. http://tfl.nu/jjmu
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  (845): View more from New York

  Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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  (845): Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore. http://tfl.nu/7ot8
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.

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  (231): Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward. http://tfl.nu/juz7
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  (315): View more from New York

  Random question, how's your gag reflex these days

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  (315): Random question, how's your gag reflex these days http://tfl.nu/0fku
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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  (979): Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight. http://tfl.nu/18md
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