Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
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