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My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Small penises have feelings too.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
her vagine was all disorganized.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think I died a long time ago.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
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