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Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Vodka?
Forever.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think I sprained my soul last night
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
3pm strippers are depressing
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So squirting runs in the family.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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