Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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