I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
