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Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
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