Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Porn is love you can see.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
honey bunches of taint.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Wow word travels fast.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So how was he last night?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Its about making memories worth repressing
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
What should our trivia night team be named?
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
from now on my penis is your penis
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
sarcasm needs its own font
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
...so i touched it.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You're like the curious george of whores
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Define "chronic" masturbator.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he puts the penis in happiness.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wish I only lived at night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
one two three fourrrrnication!
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
R you on birth control?
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
either way he was missing a nipple.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?