I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I puked a lego.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i think i have herpe
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Church boner. Awkwardddd
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
there's paper in my vomit.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you traded sex for a burrito?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so explain again why im purple
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I cockslap morals
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
My balls are so social today.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Jerry, you need to find god
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?