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Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Your dad touched me again.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
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