If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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