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We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Your cock deserves a montage
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
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