We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
That's what I'm talking about
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
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