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OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Be still, my beating vagina.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
sarcasm needs its own font
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
lets start a swedish sibling band together
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I bet he comes in French.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Fuck appropriateness.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you will always have a special place in my vag
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he puts the penis in happiness.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
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