it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
