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We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
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