Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Loading more great texts...