He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Send us your Text From Last Night!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
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