Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
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