These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
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