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As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm just crazy horny about you
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Vodka?
Forever.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be d
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