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Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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