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I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Boobs speak an international language.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
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