Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
