If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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