Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
