I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
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