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im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's the barista slut.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How's work?
Spinning.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
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