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Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
love makes seman taste better
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i dont even know how to be here
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
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