I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
