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Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How's work?
Spinning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So many bounce houses so little time
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
this will be a night to untag.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
two words...techno handjob
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's great music for shaving your balls
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she pinky promised me she was 18
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
That reminds me...we need to get swords
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You work out of a Hotel?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Operation Purity has been aborted
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
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