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He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
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