How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Loading more great texts...