My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also, beer. Big fan.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
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