she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it hurts more in the daytime
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
this will be a night to untag.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
high people should be assigned attendants
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish i was in the wii world.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
D3 body, D1 cock
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No subtext here. People are naked.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i dont even know how to be here
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
false alarm. still invincible.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This is evicking siegelnvs
This is fucking ridiculous*
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im drinking this country out of the recession.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I heard we made out
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious