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In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You made out with two different species that night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
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